Monday, 23 March 2015

Endings, my heart cannot.

This Thursday, almost nine months since our first meeting, I will say hello to my psychotherapist for the last time. Will I attempt my usual awkward but I'm okay greeting or will I be crying before I even pass through the locked door which has held such hope over these many, many weeks?

Perhaps it will be a combination of both, this ending is going to be one of the hardest I've ever experienced. I'm told that the next few weeks will consolidate what I've learnt and his leaving my mental health trust will not be the hideous experience I expect it to be. I understand what I'm being told, yet it does not negate the loss.

I've known he was probably going to leave since October, yet I had secretly (or not so much really) hoped that his contract would be extended, again, alas no. That confirmation that an anchor was leaving my circle (hmm, not a circle that's far too many people, maybe a pentagon, yes) my pentagon of support and that I would be left with just 3 other people I knew would be able to offer advice, hit me hard. (Yes I am greedy wanting more than my doctor, my care co-ordinator and my husband. I'm not strong. I'm afraid).

I fear my grief will continue into the next few weeks, my depression will deepen and perhaps one day I will accept that my care is being delivered by a rapidly changing population of staff and that continuity of care is the gold standard not the norm. Not that I'm not grateful for these past 9 months. We opened Pandora's box together and whilst that has been hideous, he was the one to show me that hope might be possible. 

My heart felt as if I were losing a limb. It stills feels as if I'm losing something irreplaceable but I've tried to envision this ending as losing a toenail. My toenail of hope, perhaps it will grow back, perhaps not. Oh how I love my analogies. It's exactly how I would try to soften the blow for a friend in the same situation, so why can I never believe?

Have you had good endings? I've been told to liken this ending to a good ending I've experienced, yet I honestly can't think of any good ending in my life.

I left my last "proper" job under a cloud of depression, I retreated into a cocoon and hid away from everyone, I don't really remember much apart from the fog in which I wandered aimlessly. Bean and I were alone without help and knew not what to do. So incredibly alone.

Friendships. Hmm. I'm not a good friend (I don't think and currently I am the worst friend). I like people, I really do but I've been hurt by friends "dropping" me (mostly doctor friends who never even said goodbye when I told them I was suffering from depression, all those years ago. "Oh anna, we are the Generals. We don't get ill.") Yeah not a good ending.

Death in my family has been expected although obviously the death of grandparents to which you are close is always upsetting. Yet I think it is the deaths of patients that have held more meaning, whether their deaths were expected or not. Whether I jumped up and down on their chest to keep them alive or if I sat quietly holding their hand because they had no-one else. (Professional pride, I'm not sure I believe that, indeed, "the art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease") Yet, after every death, I sat alone and cried for a few minutes, and perhaps that's the reason I can't be a doctor.

I fear my life has split into two parts. The superficial instagrammed and facebooked, where I try to keep up with the Jones' and the real me, the woman who wants to do nothing but end her life. The voices are close and loud and with the loss of an anchor, I can't see how my life will follow any other path but to the ground. Whether that be straight to ashes or through another long hospital stay, I don't know.

I am trying to distract my brain with all the music (if I do make it pass middle age, my ears will be knackered) so please any music that is insanely (ha!) catchy, please tell me. Any distraction would be most welcome.

I think I want the distractions. 

Sadly, I am not living a life, and that is what needs to change whether it be life or not.

Has hope passed me by?


Sunday, 8 March 2015

International Women's Day

I wish we didn't need an International Woman's Day but we really do.
(I think I need this in my life)
Even from a young age (around 4) I knew that being a boy was so much better ("the only reason to be a girl is that you get to wear a wedding dress").
I'm not sure what to say. I don't think I believe in positive discrimination, it can't really help anyone. Women (for the most part) aren't men haters, we want equality (and safety).
We all need to stick together against the baddies (whether they be slightly misogynistic or evil rapists who believe that they aren't), because those baddies are hideous.
Sad times, and if I get to live a little longer I will do something. Whether it be buying tampons for homeless women or using my various learning to get actual things to change. I really hope things can change.
Love to all the wonderful women in my life. I'm incredibly lucky to know you all. (Also chaps you are rather lovely too).
Anna x