Monday, 23 March 2015

Endings, my heart cannot.

This Thursday, almost nine months since our first meeting, I will say hello to my psychotherapist for the last time. Will I attempt my usual awkward but I'm okay greeting or will I be crying before I even pass through the locked door which has held such hope over these many, many weeks?

Perhaps it will be a combination of both, this ending is going to be one of the hardest I've ever experienced. I'm told that the next few weeks will consolidate what I've learnt and his leaving my mental health trust will not be the hideous experience I expect it to be. I understand what I'm being told, yet it does not negate the loss.

I've known he was probably going to leave since October, yet I had secretly (or not so much really) hoped that his contract would be extended, again, alas no. That confirmation that an anchor was leaving my circle (hmm, not a circle that's far too many people, maybe a pentagon, yes) my pentagon of support and that I would be left with just 3 other people I knew would be able to offer advice, hit me hard. (Yes I am greedy wanting more than my doctor, my care co-ordinator and my husband. I'm not strong. I'm afraid).

I fear my grief will continue into the next few weeks, my depression will deepen and perhaps one day I will accept that my care is being delivered by a rapidly changing population of staff and that continuity of care is the gold standard not the norm. Not that I'm not grateful for these past 9 months. We opened Pandora's box together and whilst that has been hideous, he was the one to show me that hope might be possible. 

My heart felt as if I were losing a limb. It stills feels as if I'm losing something irreplaceable but I've tried to envision this ending as losing a toenail. My toenail of hope, perhaps it will grow back, perhaps not. Oh how I love my analogies. It's exactly how I would try to soften the blow for a friend in the same situation, so why can I never believe?

Have you had good endings? I've been told to liken this ending to a good ending I've experienced, yet I honestly can't think of any good ending in my life.

I left my last "proper" job under a cloud of depression, I retreated into a cocoon and hid away from everyone, I don't really remember much apart from the fog in which I wandered aimlessly. Bean and I were alone without help and knew not what to do. So incredibly alone.

Friendships. Hmm. I'm not a good friend (I don't think and currently I am the worst friend). I like people, I really do but I've been hurt by friends "dropping" me (mostly doctor friends who never even said goodbye when I told them I was suffering from depression, all those years ago. "Oh anna, we are the Generals. We don't get ill.") Yeah not a good ending.

Death in my family has been expected although obviously the death of grandparents to which you are close is always upsetting. Yet I think it is the deaths of patients that have held more meaning, whether their deaths were expected or not. Whether I jumped up and down on their chest to keep them alive or if I sat quietly holding their hand because they had no-one else. (Professional pride, I'm not sure I believe that, indeed, "the art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease") Yet, after every death, I sat alone and cried for a few minutes, and perhaps that's the reason I can't be a doctor.

I fear my life has split into two parts. The superficial instagrammed and facebooked, where I try to keep up with the Jones' and the real me, the woman who wants to do nothing but end her life. The voices are close and loud and with the loss of an anchor, I can't see how my life will follow any other path but to the ground. Whether that be straight to ashes or through another long hospital stay, I don't know.

I am trying to distract my brain with all the music (if I do make it pass middle age, my ears will be knackered) so please any music that is insanely (ha!) catchy, please tell me. Any distraction would be most welcome.

I think I want the distractions. 

Sadly, I am not living a life, and that is what needs to change whether it be life or not.

Has hope passed me by?


  1. oh my darling. Do not go gently into that good night.
    I have been there. You are not a bad friend. You are someone who lacks spoons right now and the best of them will be there when you are back.

  2. Hi Anna. I don't know you- I found your blog via Instagram and remember loving your wedding pics when you blogged before. I don't really know what to say apart from that I think about you often and that I truly hope you find your happy ending because I'm sure they exist. Xx

  3. You mention Pandora's box and whilst people will argue as to the moral of that particular tale I've always taken it to mean that there is always hope. It's often buried deep below a whole load of other crap and it's sometimes almost impossible to find but it is there. So no. I don't think hope has passed you by. Perhaps it's just round a corner meaning you can't quite see it yet. But just because you haven't caught up with it just yet doesn't mean it isn't there. So please, please keep going because I'm sure you'll catch up with it eventually. xxx

  4. Wrote a long post, and then the iPad swallowed it. I'm going to try again..

    Oh darling, my heart goes out to you. I've known you for such a long time but feel that it's only of late that I've got to see how strong you are and how much I enjoy your company and friendship. I'm looking forward to cementing our friendship for many years in the future. Please be there for that!

    Please know that you are a good friend. Those who have turned their backs are not who you should measure yourself by. Were it not for your bravery and example I wouldn't have had the courage to speak out about being ill myself, and I wouldn't be getting help now for my own issues. Thank you so much for that support. I have been abandoned, and criticised, by people I thought better of too, and golly does it hurt, but I remind myself they aren't worth our tears.

    All our lives follow a path to the ground. Please don't take a shortcut. If nothing else when I see no other option I remember the line in Beetlejuice where they say those who commit suicide end up as public servants in the afterlife. As a former civil servant it's really not worth the risk!

    You are loved, cherished and valued. Please remember that and pledge to wake up tomorrow in the hope the demons have buggered off, or have become quieter, or there is someone new to share their constant chatter with.


  5. I can't say anymore than what other commenters have, except hold in there. I don't know you but I feel I do after following you online for a few years now. I want to help in my own way so can I recommend some music to keep your spirits up? Music is really healing...little comets album is great, cymbals, misty Miller... Let me know what genre of music you are into and I will dig up some more recommendations for you xxx