Monday, 5 October 2015

a week ago

a week ago

i left home with a bag 

i was reported as missing person

i checked into a hotel room

i wrote a few letters

i took a large overdose

and, well, I was hoping that would be it.

I was hoping for the profound.

Alas, no.

The police found me, Bean found me, the paramedics found me.*

What to say, nothing really. After almost a year I'm back to where I was. 

Anyhoo, after a few nights in hospital, I'm back at home. Home, a place I never thought I'd see again. 

I am now in a world in which Bean doesn't trust me, Bean's family and best friends really don't like me (for good reason, I keep hurting their boy), none of my friends are talking to me (because really what can you say to me and all I have to say is that I want to be dead to allow Bean to move on with his life) and the therapy to keep me alive seems altogether rather unnecessarily painful. 

I don't understand how I can suddenly decide that I don't want to be dead. In my head it is perfectly rational to want to be dead. It's all I've thought about for the past few months. I know that Bean and my family and my therapist want me to have hope but it seems so foolish. Indeed why are my thoughts not valid? Why is everyone else automatically right and I'm wrong? I understand that suicide is final but apparently "my body, my decision" doesn't work in this instance.

Therapy will continue to be hard, perhaps too hard, they want me to have hope and all I think of is death. I don't think I'm even "allowed" to hold such diametrically opposing views at the same time? How does the hope strengthen? I can't imagine thinking about anything else, especially when the words on repeat in my brain are simply, "pathetic and useless."

As an aside the day I left home a parcel arrived on our doorstep. This was inside.

Ha, The Happiness Planner. Oh the delicious irony. 

Perhaps I should use it? I think I ordered it a month ago. It asks for you to create 100 days of happiness. I've promised Bean I will not try to kill myself until at least 18th October, next weekend marks 15 years since our first kiss. Oh spin the bottle, you found me a man who is far too good for me. Far too good for me.

I do not know what I want. Truly, I wish I were dead. I wish I knew how to find hope because I know Bean wants me to stay alive. And above everything else I want Bean to be happy because when he frowns it hurts.

How do I make the jump. It's a question I keep failing. (And I fail a lot, so at least I've got consistency going for me).

Seriously, do I try to get through this therapy for a life that I've ruined? What hope do I have?**

Hmm, I just don't know. It's just such a lonely place to be. The loneliness hurts.***

*     yes I am acutely aware of how much taxpayers money I wasted in those few hours
**   purely rhetorical
*** it's entirely self imposed - I have taken to hiding in a cocoon of solitude


  1. Anna - whatever you're feeling is valid and true. It's not about right and wrong. It's not about a 'jump.' It's a journey. And it will be a log one. Clearly, Bean wants to be on this journey with you. Your take a step, and then another. And when you fall down, you get up and keep going. It's OK not to race to some imaginary mental health finish line. Go at your own pace, but please keep going. With time, PATIENCE and practice, you can squish your demons into submission. It does take time and it does take practice. No one thinks you are worthless or useless except for you. Convincing oneself can be the biggest hurdle. Big hugs. Louise

  2. FYI, my friends and family still like you. Just, you know, we should try to avoid repeats of this sort of thing.

    Love you xxxxxxx

  3. I just wanted to say that I find your writing very brave and strong. I'm not sure if you can see that in yourself right now, so I thought I'd point it out. Sending love Anna x

  4. Being found was a sign that even with the most scheduled planning the world just really really needs you,
    its not a failure on your part, its a win for all of us.
    And I am glad you are still here, because I would miss you
    Love, Colette xxxx

  5. Your honesty and frankness is powerful and moving, Anna. I sincerely hope you can find what you need xx

  6. Anna,
    I have been reading your blog on and off for many years now, back when you were planning your wedding and wearing fabulous fur.
    I've never commented before, but I couldn't read this and not comment. And yet I don't really have the words...
    I just wanted you to know that I think your honestly is extremely moving, as is the love that you and bean clearly have for each other. He seems like a wonderful man, and you too must be wonderful as you are the person he has chosen to spend his life with.
    Sending much love xxx