Monday, 11 January 2016

Cards are Cuddles continued

Oh squee. You kind souls. Cards are Cuddles is definitely go!

I'd forgotten how much I love sending post (and receiving it!) I'd forgotten I'd sent myself a card and it was just so wonderful to come home to exciting colours on the doormat! (Oh I'm a sad, old sausage!).

I'm certainly not forgetting you all. Your emails and comments have made me smile.

Oh smiles are in short supply in my heart right now. (Sorry Bean, you try so hard, I'm just not good).

Trying to find that certain something. Hmm what could it actually be?

I'm so sorry I've have't got back to replying to all of you. What with work (oh sitting in front of a computer all day entering and cleaning data is not always thrilling - no really?!) and then being a hospital patient three times a week trying to get my brain not want my body dead is bloody exhausting. I know it doesn't sound like it should be but I'm incredibly surprised as to how the last couple of months are wearing me down so.

Crumbs, I'm almost in tears just thinking about next week, that life's endless cycle just continues. *Sigh*. Yet, why on earth do I think anyone wants to hear about said woes? It does seem to border on the narcissistic. I'm not sure why I still want to write a blog but I really do. Since I've been gone I've really missed the community, the writing and my attempts at creativity. 

Dear readers, will you continue to join me whilst I try and work out what I'm trying to do?

I do miss some of the wedding chat but definitely want to talk about mental health. Oh who knows really. I need to get back into a routine, 

Perhaps writing something everyday, about something light or heavy would be a start. So that shall be my goal this week, Something. Just something.

I hope you enjoy.

Cuddles x

Thursday, 7 January 2016

Cards Are Cuddles

Post. We all get post. Most of it is junk. Indeed currently despite returning to sender on at least four separate occasions we receive 3 issues of a commercial diving magazine (need to know which pipe situation is the most dangerous and how to mix your gases? I'm your girl).

I digress, post is meant to be joyful. I would suggest that you think of your birthday, but I am acutely aware that some people aren't good card givers.* But think of your birthday and Christmas, I actively get excited about the postman arriving, (Although I have to admit that I want to be home more often when the postman arrives because a lovely cat, Tommy, likes to accompany him on his round. Tommy is a delicious chancer, we thought he was a stray who liked to jump through windows into the house on occasion but he always felt a little too solid to be a stray. He isn't, he lives around the corner in a lovely home – according to the postman. What a sneaky sausage – we've fed him many a time!).

Again, always with the digressing. Those pretty handwritten envelopes landing on your doormat. Against a backdrop of letters from HMRC (I've had 5 in the last month alone – although I got a teeny rebate yesterday – huzzah), junk and bills what isn't to like about an island of pink in amongst the brown.

I had wanted to start writing cards in December as a sort of Advent of joy but when I started writing the cards they all sounded like final goodbyes. They were all a little too “suicide-y” so I decided 2016 (if I got here) would be a much better bet because no-one has smiles in January.

So hello January (who’d have thunk it – seriously wasn't expecting to be here). Remember all those cards you buy because they are so wonderful, because stationery is so very wonderful, and never send. This is your opportunity. Yes to spreading the joy away from December.

So #cardsarecuddles is go. Huzzah, it has a hashtag and everything, it must be important. Perhaps you like to play along and tweet some of the cards you’re sending? I know I’ll try to tweet one every day for the next few weeks (at the very least).

The reason I want to do this apart from all the joy spreading is that when you suffer with a mental illness (and physical too) you can feel so alone. It’s such a cliché but chronic illness is so isolating. I have Bean and others but my brain is constantly telling me to kill myself it’s a pretty lonely place (even if I'm in hospital 3 days a week trying to get better). Apart from talking here (and a little on the book of faces) I don’t think people know how much I loathe myself and want to be dead. Mental wellness is cryptic. Life continues around you and you feel so very stuck. Some days a kind word from a dear friend can make the world seem a safer place. Go on, altruism looks good on you.

I've also decided to do something slightly weird, I've decided to send myself a couple of cards. I have super pretty ones which selfishly I want to keep so I'm going to try and fill them with kind words to myself. Kindness is nice. I'm oft not kind to myself. Perhaps a degree of separation will allow me to be.

So would you fancy joining me in my little crusade to bring a little colour to people’s post. I've just spent £27 on second class stamps and I'm ready to try and entertain the idea my handwriting is legible.

Oh and I’d love to send a few more cards to new people so would you like a pretty little card from me? If so do email me ( your address and name and what not – so I can spread some more joy. I promise this is not a pyramid scheme and I won’t be using your address for evil or anything apart from sending you a card. Seriously I have all the pretty cards, let me send you a cuddle.

So #cardsarecuddles is there for everyone. Hopefully I can bring a smile to my favourite people and encourage one or two others to do the same. The world can be an upsetting and unsettling place and I just want to do a miniscule bit to change that.

Remember, cuddles are wonderful (and stationery is delicious).

*My only bugbear, well major grump (to add to the list), is the sad lack of words in cards. Seriously,

Dear Anna,

*blank space*

Love Anna.

Not cool people. Not cool at all. Even if you write, I'm thinking of you (which is what a card really is – hopefully) just say that. You have enough ink and I promise you the person at the other end of the stamp will appreciate it all the more. Oh and other aspect to remember is that a card is not an obligation. Don’t expect anything in return. Obviously! Oh it would be so sweet but alas life is busy.

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Hello 2016

You may have seen my little instagram post* about Bean’s and my manifesto for 2016.

I think I’ll be updating my little board every month, perhaps by the end of the year I’ll have 12 images of hopefulness with 366 days of good memories to enjoy and build on in 2017.**

Life has been pretty rubbish for the pair of us over the past year. Indeed it’s 1 year and a day since I was released (discharged) from hospital. A moment that was meant to offer hope. Alas I’ve been hospitalised twice since then and have been lucky to stay away on a few other occasions. (Tis the joy (?) of receiving treatment three times a week as an out-patient – the doctors and therapists actively try to keep you out of inpatient-ness. I’m incredibly lucky to be receiving the care I am – even if it seems incredibly fruitless currently.)

So our 2015, after a pretty useless start to the year June brought utter devastation. Bean’s brother died. My big brother-in-law. I love(d) being his little sister. I miss him so very much. One understands that they will lose grandparents and parents (and of course it is painful - so very painful) but to lose a sibling, so soon, far too soon, is indescribable. My poor family. His death will always affect us, even if time dulls the pain.

Yet time marches on without knowing the trials faced, and Bean’s father underwent major surgery (he’s doing incredibly well – yay!), I became a missing person whilst I tried to die and for most of December I’ve been sitting on the edge – occasionally a literal platform edge, often a metaphorical one culminating in a trip to A&E. No, 2015 was not “our year.”

However, despite the pervasive sads on my part, things are looking up for team Beanna. I don’t want to jinx everything but Bean is finally having some well deserved good luck and, well, I’m still alive (small victories).

But to 2016 and back to the manifesto.

and Yeses

More kisses perhaps with glitter lips - I found this amazing lipstick which I wore on Christmas day and stayed on lip a trooper. I had glittery lips well into the evening (which may make more kisses difficult)

Nice cats – oh I miss our little foster kittens. We said goodbye to our last little ones in November. Hopefully February will bring us a new brood or perhaps a couple of older cats down on their luck.

All the photos - back in May my world was full of photos. As my mood turned to darkness it's felt that any creative juice I once had has been vanquished by the shadows. I hope to take time to explore the world rather than merely exist. 

Happy adventures – adventure is severely lacking in my current world. With 7 others I am to attempt to crack the Crystal Dome in October. So I need to find other ridiculous things to fill my days. 

Blogging brilliance - well one blog a week would be brilliant for me right now. Fingers crossed for more. I do enjoy this writing lark. 

Super good friend times - I miss people despite all the cocooning. I'm just not very good at being a friend. I need to learn how to connect and ask for cuddles. 

Kindness – tomorrow I shall reveal a little more about something I spoke about on instagram yesterday.


The dying thing. Yeah. It's mostly what I think about currently. Perhaps that could change?

What do you want 2016 to hold?

*I’m annaandthering – come and join me – I do like a pretty thing or two

**I realise I say this whilst still being actively suicidal – it’s a strange dichotomy which I hope to explore a little more here on the blog (and also in all the therapy)