Sunday, 11 September 2016

again

I feel as if I've been writing to you (if there still is a you, so maybe just me at this point) every day since February.

So many nights I've lain awake with my thoughts racing, I found trying to create a narrative for this blog a little calming, Using those thoughts, reworking and refining allowed me to sleep. I admit that perhaps it caused me more problems that it solved, perhaps prolonging my insomnia but a girl has to get through the night some how. Trust me when I say it's infinitely better than pacing for hours trying to stop yourself from running outside and throwing yourself in front of a train.

So here I am, again.

I miss blogging. I miss people. I miss life.

I can see my slow decline, I can mark it through my "life" on instagram, Sad, but true. I can see that I have stopped wearing my "hello world, perhaps you should notice me" glasses (see below - although the smile looks a little forced at least I was trying) and stopped attempting to take pretty/thoughtful pictures. I have retreated. Cocooning myself in nothingness. I have put up a veil of sarcasm and hidden behind the sick role and stopped people getting in. 



The last time we spoke was just before my birthday. It was a delicious 3 days of fun and frivolity. Perhaps I will write about it soon. I would recommend what I did as a perfect jaunt to London. Afternoon tea, brunch and flowers. Oh it must be written about, despite the rain and bitter cold, there was warmth in my fragile heart. 

Perhaps my return is timely, yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day (a day I always fear and August was not kind) and tomorrow I may have to make a very important decision about my future treatment. 

So I may be back because I think I need to be but also, maybe, I have something to offer?

I have all the thoughts and perhaps none at the sane time. Oh the crippling lack of self worth!

I have a few ideas and Bean doesn't think they are ridiculous so maybe others won't either?

Speak to you soon, I hope,
Ax

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